American Junkie Page 16

  “Where am I supposed to sign?” I asked. I wanted to get back to work.

  “Smitty is on his way with the contracts,” he said.

  “Fuck!” I shouted. Norris was startled.

  “Where’s the phone?” I asked sharply.

  “Out by the door,” he said “in the little cubby hole at the bottom of the stairs.”

  I called everyone back and set up meets in Madison Park and Capitol Hill, neighborhoods that bordered the Central District.

  Kenny, our singer, approached me while I was on the phone. I knew what he wanted. After I hung up, I gave it to him and he headed straight for the bathroom. I walked out to the living room and said hello to the lads. They were drinking beer and laughing. I was guarded about the whole thing. The only reason we were getting a record contract in the first place was because Kenny had been screwing the A & R girl every time she came up from L.A. Eventually Kenny came out of the bathroom. He weaved his way across the room and sat down at the dining room table, apparently unable to make it back to the couch. He was quiet now, obviously ripped. He grasped the beer bottle and seemed to have a hard time locating his mouth with the end of it. Finally, he gave up and set the bottle back on the table. It wobbled and almost tipped over. Then he set his head on the table. I started walking toward the door.

  “Hey!” I heard from behind me. It was Eric, our drummer. He and the bass player were the only members of the band who didn’t shoot dope.

  “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he asked.

  “I have business, man,” I replied. “I can’t wait around here all fuckin’ day for Smitty to show up. I’ll be back in a while,” I said, continuing on my way.

  As soon as I got in the car I felt better. With selling drugs, there weren’t four or five goofballs screwing shit up, complicating everything. There was only me. I’d been with this band, Crisis Party, for a few years now, but really, selling drugs was more important. And there was actually some money in it, enough to live on, unlike anything else I’d ever done.

  When I got back to the house Smitty had finally arrived with the papers. The lads were huddled around the table, and the contracts were spread out. I saw Kenny’s back as he left on the way to the bathroom again. I walked to the foyer to call back the customers who had called when I was out. The lads were shouting for me to get out there. I got done making calls, walked to the living room and sat down at the table. Kenny emerged from the bathroom again, weaving his way over to where we were and slumping down into a chair. He could barely talk.

  “Is this a good deal?” he asked, slurring his words heavily.

  “Yeah,” Norris replied, “It’s a standard contract.”

  We all signed on the dotted line. Everyone toasted with a bottle of beer. I took one sip and set it down. I wasn’t into drinking anymore, alcohol in whatever form had become essentially useless and ineffective. Ward wanted to talk to me and dragged me into the foyer. I gave him what he wanted and he vanished into the bathroom with his girlfriend.

  Our album Rude Awakening came out a few months later. It had gotten a good review from Patrick MacDonald, the music critic for The Seattle Times. Our A&R girl was excited about the possibilities, and set us up with a tour organizer, some guy in California, who exchanged phone calls with Smitty and together they set up a tour down the west coast to L.A and back to promote the album. The tour was originally supposed to be 14 shows over 21 days. I set aside a month’s worth of heroin to make the trip and arranged for Katrina to run my business when I was gone. But then, as the departure date neared, the promoter kept calling and eliminating shows. Every week he would call and the tour became smaller and smaller until it was reduced to only Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in L.A. at some clubs I had never heard of. Obviously, he didn’t know what the hell he was doing. I told the guys we should wait, do some more shows around town until we could tour on the back of some other band that already had a following. The so-called tour was a colossal waste of time, I said, and I told them that I was not going. I knew that Katrina would run the business into the ground when I was gone so I wasn’t about to just up and leave for kicks. But the other band members were very excited about it, and decided to go on the tour anyway with another guitarist filling in for me.

  They played one show in L.A for five people. They drove past the other club and it was such a dive they didn’t even stop. After that they went to the Capitol Records Christmas party and ended up breaking some glass doors and setting off the sprinkler system in the garage, crashing into it with the trailer carrying the equipment. It was the last straw. They had gone too far. It wasn’t the 60’s or 70’s anymore, bands were expected to put on a show of being wild and destructive, it sold records, but they didn’t want bands to really be that way. The record label cancelled our contract.

  On the liner notes for our album Rude Awakening the other band members listed all the people they wanted to thank for supporting us. Family, friends, associates, recording studio people, record company people, and on and on. They each listed about fifty names. Mine said one thing. Tommy Hansen would like to thank nobody.

  [AUGUST 26, 1999]

  “You can only stay in the chair for an hour a day, maybe two, tops,” CJ said. “All right,” I replied.

  I was finally getting set loose. They’d ordered a thing called a rojo cushion, a soft inflatable rubber pad that looked like an exaggerated egg crate that fit into the seat of the wheelchair. They covered it with a couple of towels. It was very soft, springy, and sitting on it was relatively painless.

  “Now, let me see you do those pressure releases.”

  I put the heels of my hands on the armrests and pushed up until my butt was in the air. My arms had been getting stronger and I’d gained about twenty pounds. I now weighed 134. I still had 36 pounds to get back to my normal weight.

  “You have to do that every 15-20 minutes. We’re making good progress and if you sit in that chair too long you could ruin all the work we’ve done.”

  At this point I was ready to agree to anything, just to get out of that room, move around, look at something besides those four walls and that stupid TV. The inanity of it was astounding. TV should be against the law it was so stupid, I thought. It didn’t do anything except promote ridiculous myths about how people should be ‘happy’ all the time, and try to convince them to be scared, that they were sick, that they could be ‘happy’ with the latest useless gadget. The human race would never evolve to the next level until they stopped staring into little screens, letting it distract them from what was really going on. But then, why did I even give a shit? American society could go to hell, for all I cared, really. I wasn’t a part of it. They’d kicked me out a long time ago.

  “Have you been eating better?” CJ asked. She’d been bugging me every day about getting more protein in me.

  “Yeah,” I said. It was a lie. But I had tried, I really had. I’d ordered a hamburger from the kitchen the other day. It smelled so good, at first. My mouth filled up with saliva. I took a couple of bites and it tasted good too. But then it happened, like it had so many times. The images. The blood, the guts, the killing floor, the confused look of the cow as it’s led into the stall to have a bolt blasted into its skull. Immediately I got nauseous. I tried to force myself to keep chewing, wanting to finish what I had in my mouth, but I began retching, and finally spat out what was left and washed my mouth out with Coca-Cola. Why did I always have to think about what everything meant, the repercussions of every little thing? But then again, that was what we were supposed to do, no? We were being encouraged to think about how our actions affected others, our so-called ‘footprint’ in this life. I’d done my part. Mine had been so small it was non-existent, as if I hadn’t even been here.

  [NOVEMBER 1991]

  I stared out the partially fogged up window, my cheek pressed up against the cold glass. Down the street people at the grocery store were going about their lives, on their way home from their j
obs. Walking into the store. Pushing shopping carts. Making choices. Standing in lines. Opening the backs of their Jeeps. Loading bags of groceries. Closing the backs of their Jeeps. Strapping kids into car seats. Driving home. It was raining.

  I hadn’t left my room for three days, hadn’t slept in four. Most of the time I’d been at the window. During the day I watched the people down the street. At night I stared out into the darkness, seeing shadows move or imaginary rodents in the bushes. Every half an hour or I would drag myself from the window and over to the mattress to fix up another speedball, or two or three, or however many. I threw the used syringes on the floor. Every week or two Monica would come in and gather them all up and take them to the needle exchange, come back with a couple grocery bags full of new ones.

  I heard the deep rumble of a Harley pull up outside the house. It was Shifty. Ordinarily I didn’t let customers come over to the house but I had been ignoring my beeper for three days and I was running out of money. These coke binges had been really screwing me up. As long as heroin was all I used everything ran like clockwork, but once or twice a year I would feel an irresistible pull to shoot coke and then it would have to run its course, usually a few days, maybe a week. I would shut myself in a room and not come out. I could hear Shifty’s motorcycle boots clomping up the stairs. He knocked.

  “Come in,” I said.

  He opened the door, took one step inside and froze.

  A few days before this Monica and I had been on our way out to see a movie. The Addams Family. As I was pulling out of the driveway, Sharon, our roommate, pulled up. She’d just spent a week at her mother’s in Eastern Washington, detoxing. She rushed over and stopped me before I could back out of the driveway, an urgent look on her face. I knew what she wanted. Usually I would give someone like her the lecture, “You’re past the worst of it. Why do you want to get messed up again?” It had never worked, but I usually gave it a shot. And when they persisted, which they always did, and I relented, which I always did, I would say, “Be careful, your tolerance is down. Do it in two or three shots.” But that night I was in a hurry, Monica and I had to get to the movie. I ran into the house and sold her thirty-five dollars worth, then ran back to the car and headed for The Cinerama downtown. I thought the movie was dumb but Monica seemed to enjoy it. When we got home I went straight up to my room to do a shot. I had just finished when Monica knocked and stuck her head in.

  “Sharon’s dead. She OD’d.”

  I’d seen it before. People OD’d and died most often after they tried to quit. Their tolerance would be down, or they would get drunk and want to get high and that was that. People should just stop trying to quit, I thought. Then they would have a tolerance, some margin for error and this kind of shit wouldn’t happen. Sharon had been a nice girl, smart, quiet, not pretty enough to be a stripper like Monica and had struggled to get by with a regular job. I told myself that this is what happens when you choose this life. I told myself that where Sharon was now wasn’t so different from where I still was, that I was the living dead and she was just plain dead. I told myself, and Monica told me too, that it wasn’t my fault. All those things might have been true, or not. I wasn’t sure what my level of responsibility was. But I knew one thing, I had to get out of there. The cops would come, and the medics, and I didn’t want to be around for that circus. I cleaned all the syringes out of my room and packed up my drugs. As I walked out through the living room I looked over at Sharon’s door. It was open slightly. A picture formed in my mind, of her in there sprawled on the bed, her eyes open, staring, a needle in her arm.

  Shifty stood there stunned, looking around the room. The entire floor was covered in syringes, two or three deep in some places, like hundreds of driftwood logs washed up onto a beach.

  “Come on,” I said, “sit down.”

  He stood there, staring at the syringes.

  “Hey!,” I said, “come on.”

  Finally, he snapped out of it and walked slowly and carefully over to the mattress, his boots crunching on the syringes. It sounded like someone walking on a gravel road. He sat down carefully on the corner of the mattress. Speechless, he looked around the room again at the hundreds of used syringes and the bottles of piss.

  “What do you want?” I asked.

  “A hundred,” he replied.

  I began weighing up his piece.

  “Man....,” he said, looking around, “this is....wow.”

  I chuckled. “Yeah.”

  It was shocking, I suppose, to him, to other people, even ordinary junkies. But to me it was simply the natural landscape of my world. I finished weighing up his piece, he thanked me and left, his boots crunching on the way out. As soon as he was gone, I began cooking up some speedballs.

  My veins had been gone for a couple years. They’d simply dried up, run away from the onslaught of needle pokes. It’d happened quickly, over a few months, it seemed, with the big ones. Then the smaller ones went as well. I wasn’t about to do what my friend Nikki did, sit in a hot bath for hours trying to raise a vein to the surface of her skin, or mess around forever stabbing myself a thousand times. Some junkies got all wack about the ritual of shooting up and would sit there playing with their dope and needles for hours. They were half-asses, part-timers, dilettantes. Minor leaguers. It wasn’t some gas-powered radio controlled model airplane, it was heroin. You do it, you get strung out, it ruins your life and you die. End of story. Get the drugs inside your body so you can get on to the next thing, even if it was just staring out the fucking window. Even if it was just dying.

  I lifted up my pant leg and unwrapped the ace bandage from my calf, then removed the wad of soaked paper towels and tossed it onto the floor. The wound was about six inches long and three inches wide. It was deep. At first I’d used little veins in my calf, ones that didn’t take too long to find. But eventually, they’d gone too, and I began injecting the heroin right into the flesh, into the muscle. Not skin-popping, shooting with the tip of the needle just under the skin, but deeper. It wasn’t the same as hitting a vein, not by a long shot, but it did the trick. I felt it. First a black spot appeared under the skin, about the size of a quarter. Then the skin on the surface just sort of dissolved, peeled, melted away. I could rub it with my finger and it would just sluff off. Then the black flesh under that melted away as well and left a wound, a hole. I figured it was the high potency of the shots and all the crap they put in black tar heroin that caused the flesh to die.

  The wound didn’t bleed, or hurt, it only oozed a liquid the color and consistency of olive oil. The heroin seemed to cauterize the flesh and kill the nerves, so I shot there again. I would have left it alone, moved to another place but I soon discovered that I felt the shot a lot stronger when I shot into the wound, almost as strong as before when I had veins. I figured it was all the tiny capillaries trying to repair the flesh that carried the heroin to my heart and then my head faster. And so it went. I continued shooting into the wound until it got bigger and deeper. It didn’t affect me at all, I watched the flesh dissolve away, as if driven by some weird desire that if I could just get to the center of myself I might be able to find out something about myself. I began trading for and gobbling antibiotics to keep the wounds from getting infected. It didn’t smell bad and it wasn’t draining pus, so no worries. I packed it with paper towels and wrapped it with an ace bandage to keep my pant leg from getting wet.

  I went to stick the needle into the wound and it stuck. I let go of the syringe and it stayed there, wobbling. I got a firm grip on it, pulled back and it sprung free. I felt in the wound with my finger. I had noticed this hard lump in the wound before but hadn’t thought much of it. It didn’t look like bone, I thought maybe it was a tendon or something. There was a little edge that I could get a grip on with my fingers. It was sort of loose, and I moved it back and forth, then more rapidly, jiggling it.

  Suddenly it came free with a sucking sound, like a stuck boot pulled out of the mud. I held it up and exa
mined it. It was about two inches long and a half an inch wide, and looked like a little piece of rotten driftwood except it was blood red in places. One side was smooth and rounded, and the other was porous like a sponge. With a paper towel I rubbed it. I could still see red in places but now some of it was off-white. I was pretty sure it was bone. I sighed, and decided I had better find another place to shoot, the other calf, my buttocks, shoulders, something. But that would have to be next time. Right now I needed to get the heroin in me. I injected the shot into the wound, away from the area where I had pulled the bone fragment.

  I placed the piece of bone in a little wooden treasure chest, the one I’d kept firecrackers in as a kid. A couple of days later I took it out and examined it. It had dried. I tied a string to it, made a necklace and wore it around my neck. A medal of honor. Something I had picked up on the battlefield. A trophy, a memento. A souvenir of the enemy.

  [SEPTEMBER 2, 1999]

  It was partly sunny, and I’d taken the wheelchair out to the deck. There was a woman out there, leaning over the railing. I hadn’t seen her before.

  “Hi,” I said, after I’d gotten close and she noticed me.

  “Hi,” she answered.

  I wheeled myself over to the ashtray and lit a cigarette.

  “Are you new?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I’m in 311,” she said, still staring out over the railing.

  She was young, probably in her late twenties. Short hair, a lesbian I assumed.